Speaking Out Against Family

I've been thinking a lot about this subject as my friends and I walk through the process of leaving and cleaving. While it's a spiritually loaded sentiment from the Bible, it's a concept that I think everyone deals with to some degree or another. When you join your life with your partner's life, you become a baby family in your own right. So where does that leave your respective families? Especially if there is friction?

Questions such as these are at the front of my mind:
When is it appropriate to speak out against family? For racism? For homophobic remarks?
When do you cut family out of your life?
What are healthy boundary lines?
Should spouses have to choose between you and parents?

We've all probably heard stories or have our own examples of the racist father(-in-law) spouting jokes over turkey. Or the sister(-in-law)'s biting remarks. Whatever the issue is, it can cause a real wedge in the family. I wonder where the line is between peacekeeping and standing up for what is right. When I married into my husband's family, his grandmother told me: "It's your job to help keep this family together. You have the power to keep it together or break it up." While I agree with her that family should be kept sacred and honored, I only agree to a point. There are circumstances where I would feel warranted in making a break.

I tend to have a very black and white view. If I think you're wrong, I'll let you know know and what's more, I'll tell you what I think is right. As I understand this tendency more, I've been trying to employ more diplomatic means. The idea of speaking the truth in love applies here I think. If you can speak the truth, but do so in a loving way and then the other party still wants to part ways, then perhaps you've done all you can do. As a matter of conscience, I don't know that there are other options.

I probably have more questions than answers regarding these situations (which vary widely from one family to another). However, I don't think we talk about these situations outside of common jokes about the in-laws or putting the fun in dysfunctional. I want to know what wisdom you have to impart. I want to know what you've been trying and what's been working.

Have you had to cut off family? Set a firm boundary? Or maybe just speak out against an injustice within family? How has being married affected your decisions to do this?

Heritage Photos to Heritage Wall

Our collection of heritage photos meant the world to me at our wedding. While I had physical copies of all the photos, I made sure that I scanned them and eventually ordered prints for myself.  I had a vision for how to display them, so I began collecting frames as I saw them on sale at Michael's, Home Goods, and Target.

I love how each picture dates the couple and expressions.  Let's meet the family:

Mr. Palindrome's Parents

Mr. Palindrome's Paternal Grandparents

Mr. Palindrome's Maternal Grandparents

Mr. Palindrome's Maternal Great Grandparents

Mr. Palindrome's Maternal Great Grandparents

Palindrome Bride's Parents

Palindrome Bride's Maternal Grandparents

Palindrome Bride's Paternal Grandparents

Palindrome Bride's Paternal Great Grandparents

After framing each photograph, I laid them out on the floor and arranged them loosely based on family ties.

Some experts lay a piece of butcher block under the frames and then tape the paper onto the wall.  Then they nail hangers right over the paper, thus ensuring exact placement.

I am a "this looks close enough" kind of gal.  So I just used my hand to approximate distances and it worked out pretty well.

I love how the mixed patinas of the frames make them look original.  I also like the asymmetry of the collection as a whole, yet it still feels balanced.

Did you collect photographs for your wedding?  Are you planning on incorporating them into your home decor after the wedding?

Reflections on Marrying a Family

They say that you don’t marry a man, you marry his family.  They turned out to be right.  

We’ve been married 8 months and for 1 month of it, we’ve spent the majority of our time at the hospital.  With the family.  With our huge Jewish and Italian mix of a family who call it “The Family” as though we just stepped off the set of The Sopranos.  Where people yell first (they call it talking) and then eat.  Manga, manga!  

You think that you can control your family interactions.  You think you can control your life.  You can’t fully control either when someone is in the hospital.  You just have to show up and deal.  Sometimes, it’s a riot.  Everything is funny, everything is a joke.  Sometimes, it’s a riot.  Everything is like tear gas grenades and rubber bullets.  

Life is the place where dysfunction intermingles with quirks, grooms personalities, and intrudes into relationships.  The hospital is the place where dysfunction meets grief.  In the throes of that grief is where you realize you just married the family.  There’s no controlling it and there’s no escaping it.  

Thankfully, you also realize that you just married the family.  The family is full of life, faith, and hope.  The family is full of grandparents who take an interest in your work (welcome) and your love life (less welcome).  It’s full of enough people who love to eat that you know you’ll never go hungry as long as you’re in the family.  And it’s full of people who say, “Welcome to the family!  We’re glad you’re here.”

 

Photo by Sam Hughes

What has your experience been like marrying a family?