Friday, December 18, 2009

Nervous and Excited?

 "The big day is coming up!  Are you nervous? Excited?"
At least once a day, if not multiple times in the same elevator ride, I am told the wedding is really close and asked about my emotional status.  At first, I was so happy that people remembered and were kind enough to ask.  I would nod enthusiastically or say that I was ready for it all to be over - which both seemed to be socially acceptable replies.  Then I started to really think about how I felt and those feelings have just grown stronger the past few days. 

I'm sad.  Even as I'm getting married and it's a happy occasion, it also means that I'm moving to a different state and leaving behind a pretty nice life that I've invested in a lot over the past two years.  I'm leaving good friends, a church that has ministered to me, an office that makes going to work fun.  I'm leaving my running route and the footbridge.  I'm leaving the familiar.  This has been a more difficult process than I anticipated.

I'm sober.  Some would call this nervous or tentative, but what I've really been feeling is sober about the weight of my decision to get married and all of its implications.  I'm pledging to marry another human.  To care for him when I don't feel like it, to love him when it's hard, to sacrifice and compromise for the good of us as a couple.  This is big and weighty - but also good and I feel ready.

I'm tired.  We've been planning the wedding for a year.  The future Mr. Palindrome has moved twice.  I've moved once and have a move coming up.  We've bought a house.  I graduated from graduate school.  The future Mr. Palindrome started graduate school.  There have been some family health issues recently.  I feel like I could sleep for a week.

I'm glad.  I'm looking forward to the dust settling, when I wake up sometime about two months from now.  When I wake up, I'll see my husband.  We'll drink some coffee.  He'll go to school.  I'll go to work.  Later, I'll tell him about my day.  Then I'll read in bed.  He'll turn off the lights when he's finished with homework.  So, yes, I'm excited, but not necessarily for the wedding.  I'm excited for my marriage to begin. 

You can't quite fit all of that into an elevator conversation, so I've been sorting these emotions out by talking to my wonderful friends.  I'm not sure what I thought I would feel, but some of these have taken me by surprise.  As you approach your wedding day, have any emotions been a surprise to you?  Are you nervous? excited?


Patience said...

I am getting married in four months and I couldn't be more excited and happy for the day to come. We have been together for seven years, lived together for six, built a house, faced both of us being laid off, my health issues, my mom having cancer, his Grandma passing, my fiance going to the police academy, and I started Grad School this year. I feel like no matter what comes our way, we will tackle it together and support one another. God brought L to me for a reason and I know it was because he was the perfect man for me. He has seen me during my worst and best times, he loves me unconditionally, he challenges me, he holds me accountable, he supports me, he makes me laugh and I can truly say he is my best friend. So I am very excited to marry my best friend.

Shirley said...

I may not have the best words of advice but I'm here to listen. Love you, Meems!

Shirley said...

To answer the questions you posed at the end of your blog... I was surprised how un-bothered and un-angry I was on the day of my wedding. I had nerves and stresses up until the day of the rehearsal but our day was one of the happiest and would do all over again in a heart beat.